november 29, 2010 03:32am
Indescribable Horrors of Roommate Creation
ATTENTION - AUCHTUNG
DO NOT USE THIS GARBAGE BIN
-- HazMat Safety Warning --
Roommates,
Specifically, whomever attempted to dispose of the evidence of shitting their pants and/or taking the initiative to learn fermenting of week old food product, hell-gravy, and demon bacteria,
Please -for the love of all that is holy- isolate and double bag any particularly viscous and biological waste. I'm not entirely sure why this wasn't disposed through other means anyway (ie, sink / shitter).
I was unfortunate enough to be on garbage detail this week. I had noticed a strange odour prior to removing the garbage bag from the bin. Thinking nothing of it -normal garbage smells and all-, I foolishly decided to remove the bag after tying it and place it on the floor. As soon as the bag had been removed, the odour of a million animal corpses being heated from the hottest sun rose up and attempted to remove my life force, and their putrid remains sprayed along the floor. As I slowly overcame the desperate bodily urge to append to the hell-spawn and empty my stomach, I decided to attend to the recycling, get some fresh air, and return to this afterwards. And so it was done. I most carefully tried to place the bag into another clean -hopefully unpunctured- bag, moments of sheer terror came about after a small number of failed attempts. That too was completed after a couple dozen CC of adrenaline passed through my system. All that remained was the evil brown sludge forged in the bowels of roadkill by the devil himself. I had hoped for a class A hazmat suit and a flamethrower, but I was to face this challenge with only a bathrobe and a shitty sponge mop. It did not take much time, but yet, took all of my will. The floor looked about as clean as it was before the spill of death sauce. Only time will tell if I was able to eradicate all local traces of hell on earth that fell onto the floor of men. The garbage bin I leave as a testament of what occurred here today... and for a good soap soaking - may the soap of purity burn it's foul scent.
Really though, I hope this doesn't happen again, but in the somewhat likely case that it does, we should consider a protective suit ($220US for a class C... think about it).
I am not a religious man, but I thank God/Allah/Vishnu/All-other-deities-combined that I did this before going to bed, and was spared from feeling disgusted and nauseous throughout the rest of the work day.
As some of you may know, I am helping to write WatSFiC's D&D Tournament campaign, and in fact, just returned from an extended meeting at around midnight today. We have been focusing on creating a more horror-themed module lately. I mention this because not in a million years with a million writers could we come up with or adequately describe something as horrifying and god-awful a feeling to have to smell, and furthermore clean up, such a collection of demonic rot soup.
If you wake up before me and hear strange mumbling -punctuated by moments of soft screams- coming from my room, I am most likely not being murdered, just being haunted in my dreams of what I have witnessed today.
--Michael
Posted By: Maikeru
